oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
