currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
