I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize