I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
