Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
