I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
