hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just want to make out with him forever
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
