No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize