white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
