connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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