i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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