so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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