this beer tastes like vomit already
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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