There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
