he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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