I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
