I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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