U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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