I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
