Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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