I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
