how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
