Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize