I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
