i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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