his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
