It's like God shit irony all over that family
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize