whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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