all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
