I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
