So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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