You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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