and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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