dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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