watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
