There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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