if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
