I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
His nipple licking is glorious
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