so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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