party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
