I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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