i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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