Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
