I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
