I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
