it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Everything about him screamed your future.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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