I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize