My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
