and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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