I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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