The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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