Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize