I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
