You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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