I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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