I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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