sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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