Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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