My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize