Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
